My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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