she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
