How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
