Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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