i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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