there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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