I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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