I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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