The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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