I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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