just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
