Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
