dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
