I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize