im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
