Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
