Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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