My hair reeks of homosexuality.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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