I think I just saw someone hide a body.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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