Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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