This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just had sex on a roof
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
