Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
