When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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