My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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