you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
