We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
where does the pee come out of this thing
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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