Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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