who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
