it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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