Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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