I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
