Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize