no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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