We're facebook friends in real life
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
