I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize