Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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