My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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