wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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