So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I am available for nakedness
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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