Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
