I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
