I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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