someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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