A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
