Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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