he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
