You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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