Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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