I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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