Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
