So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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