Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
