This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
