U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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