Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
