It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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