So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
