so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Life is so much better after having sex.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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