i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize