paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
