Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
