If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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